OF ANCIENT PASSAGES
Plot Summary Chapter Summary Introduction The scene begins with this boy acting out, and being weird in this heavy rain storm. It starts out looking rather innocent but as it progresses you get this feeling he is acting out his anger. He is trying to resolve something that is weighing on him, and making him feel so useless. In the end he only manages to make himself dirty, and the sadness comes anyway. It ends with Sol crying by the fire, and lamenting the death of his family. Chapter 0: My Name is Sol Chapter 15: Hungry Drinkers This scene begins with the group sleeping a few feet away from a forest. Comments These criticisms don't mean the story itself isn't good. Also, I think the difference in people's opinions is well, ok, I, for example, love poetry and poetic writing, so I like Of Ancient Passages because your writing style is poetic/flowery. Certain other people prefer straightforward writing, so they're not gunna like it. I'd say to take Devon's criticisms seriously, but when he mentions stuff like 'purple prose' he's mainly talking about exactly what I like about it. But it is a good idea to not use the same word too much, and to describe things instead of just saying what the effect they have on the characters Nicole okay so chapter 2 i just copied these lines down speficiallyHe is not really a fool, just young.He seems just an old man, but not really, not just. He is a king and king means kingly.i had two problems with these linesOne is you used the word king three times in a sentence, it..it made me so mad i blacked out and woke up in a forest covered in bear entrails and steam lightly coming off the freshly spilled blood i nthe snowtwo and this is a tad more serious. Your telling me stuff without actually explaining it or describing it. dont talk to me, its like your staring me in the face while im trying to read. Devon the main thing is you need to cut down on purple prose, its riddled throughout all parts that ive read so far and its like being forcedfed way too much spaghetti and feeling too bloated and sick to even continue walking. Devon So that paragraph is your way of introducing us to the whole novel. IT should be memorable, or hook us in. In your paragraph you tell us he has a crick in his neck and a sore ankle. Then that he feels bad. Its not that engaging and the way its presented is just confusing. This si the opening line to Neuromancer “The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel…“ It describes the scene with strange imagery that positively influences the text. It doesnt make me ask “huh?” but its strange enough to hook me in. With your imagery you jam way too much into it to describe even a simple scene. Devon this is what i wrote about the first paragraph, tell me when your finsihedSol awoke in his comfy chair his neck resting at a rough slant; this was the first ache he noticed. The second and far sharper pain came from his ankle. But how could it measure up. He felt empty, dead and alive. It could trample oceans to dust and crush the moon into starlight. (you would notice greater pain first thats how biology works, arguing that common experience everyone feels disconnects the reader.) (dead, empty and alive= this sentence is too contradictory without being expanded on. You cant just drop this stuff on me (the audience) and not elaborate, you need to tell me what feeling alive and dead is like. Is it hungry? Is it sad? Is it painful?) (trample oceans to dust. Again oceans are wet, dust is dry. Its a contradictory statement that Doesnt explain its contradictions. Okay if i was in shock from a gun wound and wanted to use a hot/cold metaphor, id say: something about the wound being searingly painful but my body shutting down and me getting numb as if im cold) Devon This is a great write.....I shall look for the other episodes because now I am facinated to know what happend before this episode. Very well written....I give you my WOW! Kornelia Also, one thing I meant to mention; I think you should still start your book with 'The Art of the Unexpected'. It does a phenomenal job of drawing the reader in with how joyous and such it is, and then when they realize that it's actually /not/ joyous, it draws them in even further. The surprise of it and the emotion of it makes the reader instantly care about what happens to Sol. Nicole What does it mean when it says that Alunda is the antithesis of a mage? Cuz from the description, he sounds very much like he looks magey{Nicole] When the demon monster and the aura creature are fighting, because they are both 'it's, when the story describes what each of them is doing it gets confusing to tell which is doing what. For example, when it says that it bit into the creature and it's fangs stop like it had bitten into stone. You can't tell which one is doing the biting and which is being bitten. The same thing goes for who had conjured the aura creature thing; both Alunda and Sol are male, so when it says 'he' felt or did it's difficult to tell who it's speaking about. And when it says that before he knew it he had taken the full brunt of the monster's blow, it made it seem like Alunda was the one who made the aura creature, because he was the one who the monster was attacking in the first place. It's very difficult to make things like that clear without just repeating the subject's names every sentence, which also isn't good. That's why I hate writing prose with two people of the same gender being the only subjects lol Nicole Who is Sol, why is he apparently not allowed in town, why is he so sad, what happened to his ankle (because it's hurt), he lives in the forest in a cabin I guess so did he build the cabin or find it or is it like..reserved for people shunned from Meda, is he from Meda or just live near it, was he always ostracized or did it happen later in life, who is 'she' and why did she tell him to not look back, what happened to his family, why's the landlady predatoring on dudes especially ones who are married with children ????? But most of those questions I assume will be answered in the rest of the book *nods* Nicole Well yeah, Sol sounds so hopeless and forlorn, I want to know how he got to be like that and I want to see him be able to climb out of it. Plus, 'she' said don't look back, makes me want to know who 'she' is. Nicole I need to know more about Sol. And I wanna hug him and make him feel better, even though I don't know why he's been shunned and why he's sad yet. Nicole You have a very poetic way of writing, even when writing prose Nicole Yeah. It makes..how to put this..it makes the sentences sound pretty, and important, even if they're just passing observations Nicole Only one question that comes to mind right off the bat is why is Alunda there in the first place? relation to the wizard battle at the beginning of the book. Erros I'm definitely drawn in to the story now which is a great sign that you did that within the first 2 chapters. The characters are distinct and mesh well with each other, and the introducing of Tsuk's story wasn't confusing at all. Good show thusfar, keep it comming :) Williams Finished the first part of chapter 2. Awkward ending was awkward :D And owls are always awesome. Always. Williams Again, you describe events and sensations very effectively. So far the only problems I've noticed are basic spelling/grammer problems that will no doubt be fixed in the final draft. Maybe a few cliche' phrases can be replaced too like "gave him a run for his money" or "what's up." Those kind of phrases seem modern and unbelieveable for this more ancient and mysterious time frame. The story itself still has me anticipating the outcome and caring about the characters. Sol's character development is very engaging. I realy enjoy seeing him grow as a person(wizard) but still showing signs of doubt and weakness.He seems like a very relatable character. I like the bit about the green sluge they had to eat too :D Williams Sol's meekness is very appealing, and I'd love to see him do great things in the end.I also want to know more about his past and hope he overcomes the tragedy that must have befallen him back then. His female companion (don't want to misspell her name) is mysterious and makes me wonder what part she will play, or if she'll become a corpse again. Her devotion to Sol is very enjoyable when she's being sweet and child-like. When she's being overly sexy it's a little awkward for me, but that may just be because I'm female and that ain't my style haha. Alunda is both likeable and fearsome as all good wizards should be, and a strong driving force in the story, though I'd like to see a little more unique personality shine through (I guess because I keep visualising Gandalf at this point). All in all they make a very good trio. Williams '''Sol seems to be someone trying to break out of the shell of his former life but goes between believeing he can do it to complete hopelessness. And just like him, you want to believe it can be done, which makes him a really good main character to me. '''That hope of things changing for the better, but life still has so many obstacles and negatives. Seeing him go from very weak and humble to wielding something so powerful sparks great interest. I wonder if it will end up getting to his head... Williams Alunda is sort of the unchanging rock of the group, which is good to have such a stable character... from what you told me before, this could change later and BECAUSE of that stability the reader has gotten accustommed to, I think when the change does happen it will be a very strong moment. He is a very comfortable characterfor readers, a fatherly mentor. But then I remember the first time we see him in the story and I wonder when that other wizzard lady will reappear or if there will be other wizzards come into play. Williams I just finished the last part you sent. Crazy turn of events! It'd be funny if D'reen (did i get name right this time?) DID kill Azan. :D Poor Sol though, I hope he'll pass the test/ survive. Williams Alright, finished the last part you sent. I think in this chapter, everything is connecting, and the story is in full gallop now. I was wondering for a while what had happened to the Tsuk character, and I had a feeling that the soldiers that appeared to announce the new No-Wizzardry law a few chapters back were connected to that part of the story. Now it all ties in and the race is on so to speak :) Williams It's a very exciting point, because our hero has finally accepted his role despite himself and is equipped for the journey ahead. I want to know what will happen to them now that magic is unlawful. I'm a bit more comfortable with Sol's girlfriend now that she undeniably cares for him (magic bell approved!) And I just thought the gesture Alunda made when he threw his hat away was a memorable one. Williams The epic test with the monster in the arena was...well epic XD Sol is obviously a ticking time bomb of doom, and I have a feeling when they meet up with the bad witch from the openning scene, she is going to hurt. The scene where De'reen transforms and her and Sol go bounding off is very well written, and a nice moment that pushes you towards the inevitable plight they are about to endure with optimism instead of "oh boy, here we go again" Williams I finally got some time to sit down and write you up some proper feedback on your book. All of which will be in my own opinion, so I definitely encourage you to get more folks to read it, maybe some that do more fantasy reading than I have done. But all the same I hope it’s helpful :) From what I have read so far, and what you’ve shared about your overall vision for these books, I think it has a great deal of potential to do well and be memorable. Relatable characters are always extremely important in keeping readers engaged, and you’ve got a diverse group that are well on their way. One thing that is extremely important to me as an artist is to be able to visualize the characters easily as I read about them and their dialog. Since Sol, D’ereen, Alunda, and Tsuk are all so different in appearance, mannerisms, background, and personality, it’s no trouble at all jumping from one image in my mind to another. S Sol is the most developed character, which makes sense because he is the main protagonist. D’ereen is still quite shrouded in mystery, but her playful personality makes her feel more familiar. Her and Sol make a good duo since they are so very different in temperament, but they balance each other out like a good couple should. Alunda has the air of importance and wisdom needed for the driving character, the one who sets much of the story in motion, though he is not above having human fears and worries of his own. This makes him very endearing and father-like which anchors the group in purpose. Without him, I think the story would wander aimlessly. Tsuk is a very devoted and good soldier that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s interesting because of his unique opportunity of getting the King’s final words, and although accused of murder, still carries on in hopes of making things right again. I think he could use more ‘screentime’ in between where he first appears and re-enters the story, just to get what is going through his mind while on the run, because he surely has to battle with himself to preserver. As far as the story goes, it seems to be unfolding at a good pace, taking time to set up each character’s story and struggle while not being outright boring. There’s much to see and do in the world you created, lots of spectacular environments and peoples. It’s fast-paced and emotionally charged with its moments of despair and sillyness. Great stories need arches of major events in them that propel them forward, and you have such. From the time we are introduced to Sol to the time he finally sets foot out of his hermit-hole forever was a good introductory arch. From the beginning of Sol’s training to contacting his manna and his test in front of an entire stadium of wizards is a good character development arch. And from the time magic is declared unlawful to where I’ve read up to now, it feels like all characters now have been equipped for the major goal of the story, and are well on their way. The only suggestions I have besides getting more feedback from seasoned readers and fixing spelling/grammar errors is just fine-tuning your craft. For example, as I’ve read along, the characters are very vivid in my mind and some of the environments, but a few more descriptive sentences could really open up a grand view of the place. I’m not saying to describe to the extent that Tolkien did in mega-paragraphs. But the little touches, like the names of the fictitious plants and animals you threw in made the setting seem more other-worldly and unique. And so far the only thing that bothers me is D’ereen being so sexually over the top, though some women are that way. I guess I just prefer a different sort of female lead character so I’m not telling you to change her for my sake. Other than that I just need to read the rest and see what happens! I’m expecting big surprises and twists! I tried to cover most everything that stands out to me about the story. Again if you have specific questions, just ask away. For now then I’ll continue reading and give feedback when I can. Sorry again for being so scarce most of the time, but my job eats up most of my day and energy plus other obligations galore, but send the next part and I’ll read when time allows :) Williams Problems: Spelling/grammer First wizard battle needs to be more epic. Needs more descriptions of plants. Purple Prose Questions: Why is Alunda there in the first place? relation to the first wizard battle. What is going through Tsuk's mind while on the run, because he surely has to battle with himself to preserver? he was accused of murder, and treason. What happened to Sol? his past Will D'ereen become a corpse again? Will Sol's power go to his head? Why was the No Wizardry Law put in place?